Brother's, hotties, and doggies Oh, my!
by Amberdale
Summary: -MAY 2012 DRABBLE ENTRY- Bella's Brother Emmett asks Bella to doggie sit, what chaos ensues? How does the hottie neighbor next door help? Read along to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone,

Below is some general information about the Drabble Wars, the eight authors participating and links to there FFn accounts. The information below was written by the beautiful TexasBella in January and I tweaked it a bit to reflect the May Wars information.

**Drabble War May 2012 **

If you are interested in participating in a future "War of the Words" then come on over to the Drabble War Forum group on Facebook. In the docs, there are sign ups available for every month this year. "Wars" will take place on the middle weekend of each month. It is first come, first serve so come on over and claim your spot. We hope to see new "faces" each month!

The Drabble War Forum is not for authors only…it's also for the readers who want to follow along with the wars. It is a central place to meet and discuss the stories as they are posted. With each round, banners and summaries will be posted in the group as well as links to author profiles.

To get links to all Drabble wars stories please visit or community and for general information visit our blog. All links are below:

**Facebook**: www . facebook . com/groups/306986689342663/

(Please remove the spaces for a proper link)

**Blog**: www . drabblewar . blogspot . com/

(Please remove the spaces for a proper link)

**FFn community**: www . fanfiction . net/community/DRABBLE_WARS/97678/14/0/1/

(Please remove the spaces for a proper link)

While we are labeling this a war, please be aware that no official winner will be determined. This is all in good fun…just friendly competition. The real winners are the readers who get eight new stories each month!

**Allow me to introduce the May participants:**

(Always remember to remove the spaces for proper links)

**TrueEnglishRose ****http:/www (dot) ****fanfiction (dot) net/u/3069569/TrueEnglishRose**

**Amazed **by** TrueEnglishRose**

**Summary: **They come from two different backgrounds and lifestyles, one simple, one fabulous, yet both know what it means to suffer. Can they face the future together and learn to let go of their demons? Can they find what it is to be Amazed?

**http:/www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/3546555/**

**Title: The Right Kind of Wrong **by

**Summary:** While on a vacation with friends to London, Bella meets older bachelor Edward Cullen who invades her every thought, emotion and inch of her soul. One problem. He's mistaken her for someone else so when you fall for the wrong person, can it be right?

**HollBeth **http:/www **(dot) **fanfiction **(dot) **net/~hollbeth

**Title: Love Soon** by **HollBeth**

**Summary:** Bella's just a late-twenty-something ready to be in love. Edward's just a college kid ready to be in love. He's sure he found it, she's sure he's wrong. He's all in while she's freaking out. Can she give in and let love win? AH/Romance & Drama, M for the usual.

**Anabella Cullen P **http:/www**(dot) **fanfiction **(dot) **net/~anabellacullenp

**Title: Girl of smoke and glass** by** Anabella Cullen P**

**Summary:** Drabble fic in alternate POVs. She´s shy but determined. He´s confident but vulnerable. This is a story of oblivious crushes that might or might not turn into requited love or scalding lust. Or maybe both. Romance. M, eventually, maybe.

**Twiddler83 **http:/www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/~twiddler83

**Title: Lucky Strike **by** Twiddler83**

**Summary: **-May Drabble War Entry- Edward Cullen is new to the pitching staff of the Cardinals after being pulled up from the minors. Opening day is one of the biggest days of this town, and it's up to Edward to deliver a win. An unexpected spectator gets a surprise she didn't see coming, it literally makes her see stars. ExB Humor/Romance Rated M for dirty reasons. Alternate POV's

**I Drive Like a Cullen16** http:/www **(dot) **fanfiction **(dot) **net/~idrivelikeacullen16

**Title: Coffee Shop Serenade ****by ****idrivelikeacullen16**

**Summary:** As the owner of Swan's Coffee, Bella's life is uneventful, until a mysterious stranger stumbles into her shop. Despite the secrets he holds, she lets him stay, as he plays his guitar every night to repay her. Will she ever find out the secrets he hides? ExB

Finally my story:

**Amberdale** http:/www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/u/2203827/Amberdale

**Title: Brother's, hotties, and doggies...Oh, my! **by **Amberdale**

**Summary:** Bella's Brother Emmett asks Bella to Doggie sit, what chaos ensues? How does the hottie neighbor next door help? Read along to find out! E&B Humor/borderline crackfic

A/N: Thank you to Twiddler83 and Wants2BeACullen, without these two this story wouldn't be a cracked out as it turned out to be…and that's a god thing!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight but, I do own this plot and a stuck up PomChi named Jake who thinks he's human :)

**Ch. 1 Bella POV**

"Hello…"

"WHAT UP BELLA?"

Oh my god! Does my fucking brother need to scream every time he calls me on the phone? You would think he was talking to the deaf actress Marlee Matlin.

"For fuck's sake Emmett, do you have to scream? I mean really."

"Sorry sis, I'm just excited! Dude, you'll never guess where I'm taking Rosie for our anniversary. She is going to shit herself."

"Well, it better be good since my ears are still ringing after your loud ass greeting," I tell him while putting my frozen pizza in the oven.

"Shut your pie hole about your ears ringing," he says huffing. "Let me finish telling you where I'm taking my wife to fuck her brains out for a week straight with no interruptions."

"TMI…pig, but I'm all ears. Where are you taking Barbie?" I say while rolling my eyes at the thought of how my pussy whipped brother spoils the shit out of his 5'10, blonde hair, blue-eyed, body of a sports illustrated model wife. But when you look like you just jumped out of a Mattel box, men tend to drool at your feet.

_It's pathetic really._


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: It's offically midnight WOO HOO! Just to let you all know, you will get chapters 1-5 now and won't get un update until tomorrow night since I won't be near an internet connection. Enjoy!

**Ch. 2 Bella POV**

I'm not really listening as he continues the rant of how awesome he is.

Finally tuning back in to my regularly scheduled program of the Emmett show.

"Bella, I still can't believe I was able to swing this trip. This place only allows fourteen couples on the island at one time. This is going to blow Rosie's mind when she finds out. The website says it's an experience of a life time and shit."

"Emmett," I yell half annoyed into the phone. "Can you speed it up and tell me where you're taking Rose? I'm about to eat dinner and go to bed because I'm rocking a headache. Work was a bitch today; you know how much I hate my co-worker Lauren with a passion. Just thinking about her makes me want to punch her in the mouth. I'm so sick of her comments about my life, which she knows nothing about, need I remind you." Suddenly I catch myself getting off the main subject. "Anyways continue." Waving my hand around as if he can see my gesture through the phone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ch. 3 Bella POV**

"Who's off topic now? Anyway, we get to spend a week at Turtle Island in Fiji, Bella, fucking Fiji. I worked my ass off bringing in clients, you know. So, I was having a little A and B convo with my boss telling him I wanted to do something special for Rose, when he told me he was trading in his latest trophy wife because she gained like twenty pounds or some shit. Then he proceeds to tell me how he refuses to take her to an island where she needs to wear a swim suit. So, since he loves Rosie, he told me I need to flaunt her fine ass in Fiji. Badda- bing- badda- boom, he gave me his trip for a bonus, yeah buddy! My boss is the shit."

He continues to ramble while I continue to drift off into my fantastic fuckery of Bella world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch. 4 Bella POV**

Finally thinking clearly, I feel as if I need to comment on the scum that claims himself as a man.

"Umm, what can I say other than I am totally disgusted right now. Your boss is a freaking nasty pig-dog! Who trades in there wife like a used car? If I recall, when I saw your boss's wife at your birthday party she looked anorexic. Twenty pounds would have done her some good. She looked like she needed to eat a double-double." I shiver at the image that I hold in my head of that woman.

"First off that was his last wife not his current one. Why are we talking about this? Remember…focus Bella."

I should have never answered my phone, I was like two seconds away from hitting the ignore button.

I love my brother but, I just want to relax and eat my damn pizza.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5 Bella POV

Emmett's all I have now since our parents up and sold our family home in Forks and decided to roam the earth like nomads. The last time I spoke to them they were in South America somewhere.

Remind me to nominate them for parents of the year.

"Mmmkay, let's recap. So your man whore boss is ditching his too fat for a bathing suit wife." I ask as I hear him hum a response. "And since you're so bomb ass at your job, he gave you his trip since Rose needs her ass flaunted in Fiji. Did I leave anything out?"

"Nope, you nailed it. So, my wonderful, beautiful, understanding, awesome sister, I need a favor from you."

Whenever Emmett asks me for a favor it's never good.

I am actually scared right now.

"Emmett, the last time you called in a favor I was knocked unconscious by a bowling ball." I shake and cringe at the memory.

"Bells, that's because you're a dumbass. Listen sweet sister we need you to house sit. Oh, and _Ineedyoutowatchsnowball_." He rushes the last few words out.

"Wait...what did you say?" I gasp in horror.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Here you go, chappies 6 – 11!

**Ch. 6 Bella POV**

"Did you say _watch_ Snowball? I am not watching that fucking Cujo dog." I say screaming. "Emmett, come on, I can't even go to your house and sit on the couch without that beast laying on me like a lap dog."

"Leave Balls alone, my dog is the shit. Besides, he just loves you and wants your undivided attention." He states nonchalantly.

"Yeah…the kind of attention that requires a life alert for when he tries to smother me in his fur." Stating back to him pointedly.

My Brother and the love he has for this dog is sick.

Last year Emmett decided to surprise Rose with a puppy. Well instead of bringing home a purse puppy like Rose had asked for, he brings home a rare white chow-chow puppy he found on Craigslist.

The dog looked like a snowball with legs, so Emmett thought the name was funny and stuck with it thinking the dog had a va-jay-jay.

Well, when you buy things off the Internet you never know what you're going to get.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7 Bella POV

I was chuckling to myself as I remembered the four legged vagina as a puppy.

The damn dog was accessorized with a diamond collar that you couldn't even see due to all the damn fur. It even had a collection of all pink toys that most little girls would dream of. Of course it also had a pink dog bed that looked like a flamingo shit all over it.

So imagine the surprise when Emmett took snowball to the vet to discover that the dog actually had a twig and berries.

I still laugh at the thought.

So instead of changing the name, he goes around calling the dog Balls.

He kept the hodgepodge of pink crap saying the dog likes it and just calls him transgender. He gets all defensive and stating he will fuck you up if you poke fun of his pink lovin' boy dog called Balls.

I swear the white jackets need to come and take him away.

"Look Bella, Rose and I leave tomorrow morning, you're the only one I trust with Balls and he loves you. Plus, I will stock the fridge with all your favorite junk food and leave you some cash how about that? Come on your big bro needs you. Please, come on, please."

His begging is obnoxious.

"Fine whatever, and don't think you can leave me a twenty and that will be enough. I want two-hundred. Just think how much it would cost if you put Cujo in a kennel."

"Fine… whatever… two-hundred dollars. Your ass better be here tomorrow once you wake up." Emmett said with attitude as he hung up.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8 Bella POV

- Day 1 -

As I walk into my brother's house with my suit case wheeling behind me, I'm assaulted by a lunatic fur-ball charging me at full force.

I'm trying to quickly get my key out of the door, when snowball jumps onto me with his front paws landing on my chest knocking me off balance and causing me to fall on my ass onto the front porch.

"What the hell! Snowball, dumb dog, get in the house."

"Balls, NOW!" I scream as he run out the door.

Oh hell no, I swear I'm going to kill my bother.

Chasing the dog down the street is not in the job description.

"SNOWBALL, COME!" I yell at the dog as he stands in the neighbors' yard taunting me.

Just as I was about to say fuck it and call animal control to come pick up a wild beast roaming the streets, my mouth fell open as this gorgeous, tall, godlike man with sex hair walked onto the lawn with the wild beast.


	9. Chapter 9

**Ch.9 Bella POV**

"Snowball, come here boy." Says the hottest guy I have ever seen.

While he patted his knee and continued to call the dog. "Come on Snowball."

I just creamed my jeans because this guys voice is fucking sexy.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I found my voice.

"Hey, maybe you might have better luck," I said while walking towards the angel from heaven and the beast from hell all on the same lawn.

As I walked closer to Snowball, he backed up.

When I stopped walking Balls stopped.

I tried this a few more times, getting more and more pissed.

"So, I take it your Emmett's sister Bella? I'm Edward." he said while reaching his hand out for me to shake.

"Hey Edward, yup I'm Bella. Emmett's retarded sister who sold her sole to the devil for two-hundred bucks and a fridge full of my favorite food," I say while giving Cujo the stink eye.

Edward began laughing hysterically, "You and Emmett are exactly the same except your hot," he said with a smirk.

"You're not too bad yourself, but before we flirt anymore, could you please help get Balls in the house?"

"Balls?" Edward asked as he held in his laughter.

"Yes, didn't you get the home owners association memo telling you a mental patient calling a dog Balls was moving into the cul-de-sac?"

"Nope can't say that I did," he said while busting up. "Go get one of the dog's treats. I'm sure he will come to you if you have a treat in your hand. I'll watch Balls to make sure he doesn't run off."


	10. Chapter 10

**Ch. 10 Bella POV**

"Well I don't know where Emmett keeps Satan's treats, but I'll try to hurry." I said while giving Edward a wink before I turned and walked to the house making sure to add a little sway in my hips, 'cause I know he's watching.

I walked into the kitchen where Emmett said he would leave my money and Snowball's list of demands.

Hopefully Emmett wrote where the treats are.

Just as I was about to pick up the letter, I heard paws scratching against the wood floors and a door shut.

"Bella?"

"I'm in the kitchen," I shouted to Edward before telling off the hound from hell sitting at my feet, "You're an asshole Snowball don't bite the hand that feeds."

"Snowball came to me once you left." He says.

As Edward came into the kitchen he smiled at me and took a seat at the Island. I began reading the mile long list of instructions for Emmett's precious pound puppy.

_Lord, help me now!_


	11. Chapter 11

Ch. 11 Bella POV

Bella,

Here is your damn money, you greedy bitch. Follow the instructions for Snowball since he will already be depressed because we're gone. Don't fuck up the rotation. Love you, see you in a week.

Emmett

P.S. Call my dog Cujo one more time and see what happens!

•Don't starve my dog, give him 1 scoop dry food and mix it with ½ can wet food 2x's a day. (Shut the fuck up. I know wet dog food makes you gag but who cares just do it.)

•He needs his ear meds once in the morning and once at night, you need to cut the pill in fourths and then, cut one hotdog in fourths and shove the pills inside the pieces of hotdog. (Don't roll your eyes you know you love a good hot dog-Rosie added that FYI.)

•He needs his hair brushed daily. (I don't want a nappy dog when I get home.)

•Walk him daily. (Get off your lazy ass.)

•The Gardner will clean up the shit in the backyard, don't worry about it!

•Ball's needs to sleep with you or he'll get lonely and whine at your door. (Don't be a bitch and put your ear buds in and ignore him, let him in your bed.)

•Please pet him for at least an hour a day and play with him for a half hour. (If you piss him off he eats things, and if my house gets fucked up. your ass is mine.)

The list went on and on for about twenty more demands. I swear my brother was dropped on his head.

He's more deranged then I thought.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Sorry for my lack of posting but, I had a busy weekend! Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful moms out there. You will get the rest of the story today :) Enjoy!

**Ch. 12 Bella POV**

Edward helped me find the treats and dog food since my lame brother forgot to mention where all the shit was located in his mile long list of crap for McGruff the crime dog.

After he was so kind to help me feed and play with the beast, he told me he had to head out and take his sister Alice and her husband Jasper to the airport.

They too were heading out for a romantic getaway.

Since graduating, he now lives with his sister and brother-in-law while looking for a job. He was excited to have the house to himself, so I took the opportunity to ask if his girlfriend would be joining him.

He said 'no, I don't have one' and I began doing a mental happy dance.

This hottie was on the market, oh yeah!

I honestly couldn't help the dirty thoughts that were flowing thru my head.

_Lick me…_

_Stick me…_

_Fuck me…_

_Hump me…_

_In my squish mitten!_

"Huh?" Edward asks looking confused.

"What?" I say looking around.

"In your squish mitten?" he asks looking even more flustered.

I try to fake a smile but it falls short.

_Whoops!_


	13. Chapter 13

**Ch. 13 Bella POV**

- Day 2 -

Oh my god I can't breathe, I cant breath, what the fuck. Oh hell no, Balls GET OFF ME! What a way to wake up in the morning, with Chewbacca smothering my face. I really think this dog was trying to kill me.

I rush around the house getting myself ready for work. At least I get a break from Cujo for nine hours. I never thought I would be so happy to go to work. After getting dressed I fed the dog his disgusting concoction and shove the dogs' meds in hotdogs like instructed. The smell of all this shit is making me gag. "Oh my god this is so gross! Fucking Emmett, such a dickwad."

I get back to Emmett's after work and I am officially pissed the fuck off. When I got to work my stomach was still queasy from feeding the dog his slop. I couldn't take the rolling of my stomach anymore so I made myself yak in the bathroom. Lauren with her Dumbo ears heard me and sent out a Monday memo telling the office-don't forget to congratulate the new mommy-to-be, Bella. You're fucking shitting me right? I swear I'm going to put a hit out on that bitch Lauren.

_Click…click…boom. I wanna blow that bitches kneecaps out like a mother fucking Mafia Princess._

As I walk into the house I wonder if the hottie-bo-bottie from next door will drop by tonight. Maybe I can invite him over for dinner or something?

"What the hell?" I say out loud as I see my purple chuck on the floor of the hall way. Ummm those shoes where in the guest room with all my other stuff. As I walk farther into the house all I see is white, it looks like it fucking snowed in the house.

"OH MY GOOOOD YOU FUCKING DOG! You ate the couch? My shoe AAAAHHHHHHHH!


	14. Chapter 14

**Ch. 14 Edward POV**

"What the hell, who's screaming?" Oh shit that might be the goddess next door Bella. I never knew Emmett's sister was so hot, now thinking about her causes me to walk around with a constant boner.

Emmett has been my boy this past month since I moved in. Jasper introduced us and we hit it off right away. His wife is something else but whatever, as long as she stays out of my face it's all good.

Em told me about his little sister coming to watch his dog and house sit, telling me keep an eye out for her. Oh I'll keep an eye out alright.

"AHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGG, MY SHOOOOOOOOOE" I hear her screaming.

"Oh shit," I grab my shirt and shoes and sprint out the door. As I get closer to Emmett's door I hear Bella ranting and raving and screaming about snow and her shoe.

KNOCK KNOCK…

Bella doesn't answer probably because she is too busy screaming still. So I opened the door and peaked my head in only to see a total fucking mess.

"Oh shit," I say as I walk into the house, "Bella where are you?"

As I call out to Bella and walk farther into the house. I see her standing in the living room holding what looks like a chewed up piece of shoe. As I look further I then notice the couch.

"Holy shit, what the hell did the dog do? Ball's ate the fucking couch? Emmett is going to kill you". I told her as I started buckling over in laughter.


	15. Chapter 15

**Ch. 15 Edward POV**

"HE ATE MY GOOD LUCK CHUCKS," she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Your what?" I asked her as she threw the piece of purple shoe to the ground.

"Hold on, I need to make a phone call," she says while walking over to her purse. As she grabs out her phone I ask her where the dog is.

She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Do I look like I give a fuck".

With that I couldn't control my laughter that caused me to get a nice glare from Bella as she made her phone call.

She stood there for a minute before she began to speak.

"Hello Brother, just thought I would call and ask if you kissed your dog goodbye before you left. I really hope you did because that is going to be the last time you kiss FUCKING CUJO AGAIN! Yeah, I called that devil beast Cujo. Whatcha gonna do about it? Not a damn thing. That dog is the devil reincarnate, HE ATE MY GODDAMN GOOD LUCK CHUCKS! Now you owe me another $45 to replace my shoes and $55 for pain and suffering because your dog was trying to smother me to death this morning with his massive amounts of fur. I expect the cash in my hand when you and your bitch ass wife walk through the door. Also, who thinks it's funny to tell me I enjoy hotdog's? That shit wasn't even funny, but it will be when I shove one up her ass. As of right now your dog is MIA and I really could give a shit. I hope you enjoy fucking your wife's brain out because old Yeller is toast. Bye Bitch!"

As Bella hung up the phone after leaving Emmett that message, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. That was the funniest shit I have heard in a long time. I love this girl she is beautiful and funny, I think I will be spending a lot of time around here this week.


	16. Chapter 16

**Ch. 16 Edward POV**

"Bella where is the dog? Did he run away?" I said between laughs.

"I don't know Edward. I don't think so, but who cares if it did. Emmett has the dog chipped the pound will find its ass. Where it will stay until Emmett gets back."

"Bella don't get mad at me okay," I asked her as I walked over to where she is sitting at the kitchen table. "Are you one of those fur wearing animal haters"

"Eddie you're a hot piece of ass but you are getting on my nerves," she said while staring me up and down.

"I'm a hot piece am I? Well I think you're a sexy piece yourself." I told her while I sat down next to her at the table. "Why don't I help you clean up this mess and I'll look for the dog and take care of him for you then we can grab some dinner and watch a movie. That is if you don't mind me hanging out for a while?"

"That sounds really great, thank you Edward. I'm actually going to call out sick for the rest of the week. There is no way I'm going to leave this dog to eat anymore shit, he can't be trusted. Plus, my co-worker Lauren is a raging snatch. She lives to make my life miserable. I mean just today she must have had her nose shoved up the bathroom doors ass because she heard my yakking from the dog food and sent out a Monday memo telling the office I was knocked up. I mean come on. If that bitch knew anything she would know my vag was growing cob webs, it's been so long."

I couldn't help laughing at what Bella had just said. She is truly a piece of work but with her it just fits. As she called her job I went to find the dog.


	17. Chapter 17

**Ch. 17 Edward POV**

I walk through the house in search of Balls. I called his name but no luck. When I finally found the dog he was in Rosalie's walk-in closet chewing on her high heels. I call Bella to the room so she can see what damage the dog has done to the shoes.

Bella starts laughing hysterically as she walks over and grabs the shoe out of the dogs' mouth.

"Do you realize how expensive these shoes are I am holding in my hand? That the devil dog just chewed and slobbered all the straps off of Rose's $700 Manolo Blahnik's. That is awesome. That's what they get for getting a dog off of Craigslist."

"That shoe is ugly as sin. Who would pay that much for a green goblin shoe? It looks like slimmer came and dripped his shit all over the damn thing. Would you call that fringe? Please tell me you don't wear shit like that."

"Have you met Bitch Barbie? Because if you have you would not be asking such a lame question and yes this shoe is a fucking hot mess. Who know what this shit is, it could be fringe. I have my share of shoes but nothing like this."

"I bet you have sexy shoes," I told her as I walked closer to where she was standing.

"I guess you will have to take me on a date to find out," she said while giving me a wink and walking out the bedroom door.


	18. Chapter 18

**Ch. 18 Bella POV**

Edward and I spent the next hour cleaning up all the fluff and shredded fabric from the couch, feeding, brushing and giving Balls his meds. I was already so over this week and it barley began. Although I have to admit if it wasn't for the beast escaping the house I would have never met the hot piece of ass that is now picking out a DVD for us to watch.

"Please pick a funny movie, I need a good laugh. I can't handle watching some beat your chest, Rambo gun slinging man movie." I told Edward from the kitchen while cutting up the frozen pizza I made us for dinner.

"Come on Bella, you know you want to watch things blow up and guys get the shit beat out of them."

He thinks he is so funny as he starts laughing and finally chooses the movie Step Brothers. "I love that movie. See you picked a perfect choice."

After popping in the movie, we got situated in the spare bedroom since the living room furniture was fucked. We brought our pizza with us, along with water bottles, candy and popcorn. I don't mess around when it comes to my movie snacks.

"Dang Bella, I have never seen a girl eat before. Well I mean like good food. Usually girls eat a celery stick or a crouton. One time I went on a date, and she ordered some appetizer that was half of a head of lettuce and they just pour the dressing on top and give it to you. Well she refused to put the dressing on it so she doused it with pepper and squeezed lemon juice on it. It was fucking sick."

I almost chocked on my drink as Edward told me that story, "well you won't have that problem with me, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want." I said to him while shoving a handful of popcorn into my mouth.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Hello all, this is Wants2BeACullen, Amberdale's BFF. The story is conplete and will be posted in the next couple of days...I just wanted to give you a warning.

The reason is totally my fault. After baking cupcakes at Amberdale's house on Friday I lost my wedding ring. We litterally spent this evening turning her house upside down and dumpster diving. No joke, elbow deep in other peoples trash. I guess I dont regret it because if I dropped $2,500 in the dumpster I would go in after it too. We did not find my ring after all of that. So please forgive us and the story is on its way :)

P.S. Amberdale has a lot of drunks at her aparment complex...there were tons of empties LMAO

**Ch. 19 Bella POV**

We shortly finished our food and set the dishes on the night stand. We settled in to watch the rest of the movie. The house became freezing all of a sudden and we were both too lazy to go turn up the heater, so we took off our shoes and got under the covers.

"So Bella, tell me about yourself?" Edward asked while scooting up to rest his back on the headboard.

"So you want the full 411 on my life huh?"

"Ok well I am 24. I grew up in the most boring town on the continental US. I lived there until I went to college at Washington State. Emmett had already married the Ice Queen and moved to Seattle. My parents thought it would be fun to sell our family home and roam the earth like lost souls. Once I graduated college I no longer had a home since I was living in the dorms. Emmett let me stay with him until I found a job and an apartment. Thank god it didn't take long because living with Rose is like living with Hitler. But, my bestie Jake isn't much better. He is an obnoxious queen who fights with his man Mike all the time. Oh I live with Jake and Mike by the way. Jake showed up on my door step with his bags and said 'move over bitch, I'm here to stay.' Shortly after he moved in with me he met Mikey Mike and fell in love or lust I don't know, but Jake moved his ass in with us. I don't mind because every day is an adventure. Anyways, I work as a Publishing Assistant which I loved until they hired that rancid bitch Lauren. I told you about her, the one who said my eggo was prego in the Monday memo, and that's about it."

"Your turn, now spill." I told him while scooting closer to him and crossing my legs in a pretzel.


	20. Chapter 20

**Ch. 20 Bella POV**

"Alright, I'm 25, grew up in Chicago with my parents and twin sister Alice. My father is a Doctor and my mother is a socialite. I'm a trust fund baby, but can't stand the pressure to be perfect so I like to rebel. I took some time off to backpack through Europe after high school before I started college at NYU. My father shit a brick when I told him I refused to follow in his footsteps and become Dr. Cullen Jr. and was going to pursue my passion for music. I moved out here to Seattle after I finished college to start fresh and maybe become a music teacher, until I can begin doing what I really want which is compose or perform that is my ultimate goal. I moved out here because Jasper is my best friend since kindergarten and Alice is my twin. Being away from them was hard, plus I had to get away from a life where everyone knows me as Dr. Cullen's son. So here I am."

I noticed Edwards' mood started to slip after he spilled about his life so that's when I began to try and make him laugh, "Damn Gina, you're a trust fund baby?" I knew it wouldn't take much before he began to smile.

Edward started to respond to my trust fund baby comment, as the house phone began to ring. I refused to get up and answer it. I was too infatuated with the man who was sitting next to me. Once the house phone stopped ringing my cell phone went off.

"Oh god it's Emmett, I am so not in the mood for him right now." I said while putting my cell back on the night stand.

"You know Emmett is going to keep calling you until he gets a hold of you and bitches your hot ass out."

"Mr. Cullen, are you flirting with me again? I'm not complaining or anything. Just curious if you plan on backing up your flirts." I told him while giving him a wink.

"Of course I'm flirting with you. You're too sexy not to."

"You're turning me on, you better stop," just as I was about to see where this flirting would go, my cell beeped saying I had a message.

Edward shot me a cocky smirk and said, "You better see what Emmett wants," while popping M&M's in his mouth.

I grabbed my cell called my voice mail and put it to speaker. A second later Emmett's loud ass voice blew through the phone.


	21. Chapter 21

**Ch. 21 Bella POV**

"Bella what do you mean kiss my dog, you can kiss my ass. I will be calling you back in five fucking minutes. You best pick up the damn phone, or I will call the cops and tell them you're running an illegal dog fight ring in my garage and I need them to check on Balls. You feel me sis because I'm not playin' with you. Bet me; just bet me I won't call the cops. Five minutes bitch."

Edward and I looked at each other and fell over in laughter. My brother was a hot flaming mess when it comes to this dog. What a lunatic.

Sure enough five minutes exactly my phone was going off again, I set it to speaker and greeted my brother.

"Hello Brother, how is your fuck fest going?"

"Where is my dog Bella, I'm not in the mood for your shit."

"Why is Rosie Posie not riding your junk how you like it?"

"Bella where is Balls? And what the hell is a 'good luck chuck' and why do I give a shit if the dog ate it."

"Well, I have a pair of balls laying net to me in my bed, but I think we are talking about two different sets of balls" I caught Edward's reaction and he had the pillow over his mouth containing his laughter.

"Look you shit head, I have only a few minutes before Rose gets out of the shower and I want my answers. Where is my dog? Whose balls are lying next to my sister in bed? I will rip them off and shove them up their ass."


	22. Chapter 22

**Ch. 22 Bella POV**

"First off, go change you diaper since you seem to be shitting yourself. Second, the balls in my bed belong to your hottie neighbor Edward, which I'm mad at you for never introducing me. My good luck chucks are my favorite purple chucks that bring me luck, until I met the devil and he ripped them to shreds along with the couch."

"He fucking did what? He ate the couch? Well that's just fucking perfect Bella. You're being mean to him and he is rebelling since you are a biotch and call him names. He understands you know. Oh, and what up Eddie? What possessed you to hang out with my sister? Actually I don't even want to know, but look Edward. Can you hang around until I get back since my sister is fucking retarded and can't comprehend animal care?"

"Bite me Sasquatch."

"Edward where is my dog?"

Edward spoke up and said he was sleeping in Roses closet.

"Dude get him the fuck out of there, Rose will cut my balls off."

"Oh she already will," I piped in "he ate bitch Barbie's Manolo's."

"Bella I am going to kill you. Rose is out of the shower but you better take my credit card out of my underwear drawer and buy Rose the exact same pair of shoes and replace the mother fucking couch. You have until Sunday at 7 p.m., Bye."

After that lovely conversation Edward and I finally settled down and watched the movie, we both started to yawn and before I knew it we were out.


	23. Chapter 23

**Ch. 23 Edward POV**

- Day 3 -

"Mmm...uh…don't stop. That feels so good; mmm…uh…please don't stop."

I wake up to the hottest sound I have ever heard, Bella moaning. I have my back to her, so I am unaware of what is causing her to moan. I could care less as long as she kept going she sounded sexy as hell.

This chick was hot and now getting her kicks off next to me in bed. She is trying to kill me.

Death by a raging hard on would be a fucked up way to go.

I turn to face Bella and prepare myself to either join in on the fun or watch. But as I roll over, my foot hits a pile of fur.

I move to a sitting position and almost fall off the bed laughing.

"Oh yeah Edward, you're so kinky. Mmm…oh yes…yes…yes."

"Um Bella, open your eyes." I said to her while trying to catch my breath from laughing.

I see her start to stir around cracking one eye open.

"How are you talking and licking my toes at the same time?" She said right before she shot up to a sitting position.

5…4…3…2…and enter the rage of Bella.


	24. Chapter 24

**Ch. 24 Edward POV**

"BALLS, YOU SICK DOG, get off the bed! Jesus, what the hell?" Bella jumped out of bed and went to grab Snowball's collar trying to drag him out of the bed, all the while he was snarling and growling at her.

"Oh my god Edward, he just growled at me," she said while jumping back. "See, he is the devil! He fucking hates me," she says while backing up, never taking her eyes off the dog.

"Bella calm down. I thought you were all tough? So he growled at you, leave Balls alone. I'm more interested in discussing why you think it was me licking your toes," I say while pushing myself up against the headboard staring Bella up and down.

"First off Eddie, I would love to see what you would do if you fell asleep with a hot piece next to you and woke up feeling all aroused and turned on with toe sucking. Second, yeah I can be a tough cookie, but when it comes to getting attacked by a wild animal like Siegfried and Roy that is a whole other story."

"Alight I see your point, I am a hot piece," she rolled her eyes and I began to get up and head home.

"Where do you think you're going? You heard Emmett he said you need to stick around and help me, plus Balls is growling at me now. You can't leave me alone with him," She said with panic on her face.

_I am beginning to think she has split personalities._


	25. Chapter 25

**Ch. 25 Edward POV**

"Okay, I was already planning on staying with you. But I do need clothes and a toothbrush and shit since I will be babysitting you and the dog for the next few days." I say as I begin to laugh at the pissed off look on Bella's face.

"Ha Ha, you're funny, let's go get your stuff," she said while slipping on a pair of flip flops. "You think I'm joking? I will not be left alone with this beast. He will wait for you to leave and maul my face off like Travis the chimp did to that poor lady on Oprah."

"I don't even want to know," I tell her while shaking my head and telling her to come on as I walked out the door.

It's not that I really mind staying with her though; she keeps me on my toes.

Doesn't hurt that she's not hard on the eyes.

Wait…

_Hard…_

_Her eyes…_

_Her body…_

_Damnit!_


	26. Chapter 26

**Ch. 26 Bella POV**

After going next door with Edward so he could pack a bag, we headed back to Emmett's so he could help me with the dog and settle into the guest room.

I told Edward he had to sleep in my bed because I was scared of becoming a chew toy in my sleep. He laughed and said I just wanted him close to me. Little did he know, he was right.

"Edward, will you come with me to the mall? I need to get the whore goblin her shoes before they get back."

Even though I am pissed at my brother for making me watch devil dog, he doesn't need shit from Rose.

"Yeah, that's cool I'll go," he says shrugging.

After finishing with the dog chores, I head up to Emmett's room to shower while Edward used the guest bathroom.

I wanted to look cute for Edward so I spent a little extra time getting ready. I chose to wear my short dark wash frayed jean skirt with a black scoop neck fitted baby-t, paired with my black glitter toms. I straightened my hair and put on make-up along with silver hoops and threw my aviators on top of my head.

Thank god the sun was out, or my outfit would have made no sense.


	27. Chapter 27

**Ch. 27 Bella POV**

When I walked down the stairs, Edward was sitting in a chair he had brought in from the kitchen to watch TV. Balls was laying on the only other piece of furniture that didn't look like wolverine got a hold of it. He was watching some reality show when I cleared my throat.

"You ready?"

"Yup" He stood up, turned the TV off and then turned to look at me. His mouth gaped open and his eyes raked up and down my body.

Thank you outfit you did your job.

"Let's go E, the mall is waiting." I turned and walked away I swear I heard a growl and it was not the dog.

We walked out to the garage and I decided to take Emmett's Escalade.

I loved his car. It was black with tinted windows and nice rims. He spent so much time pimping out his ride but never wanted to drive it. He was always saying it was too pretty to ruin by driving, so he would drive around in his stupid ass jeep.

We climbed up into the tank and I took notice of Edward staring at my thighs. My skirt had rode up rather high since getting in the car.

This day should be interesting.


	28. Chapter 28

**Ch. 28 Bella POV**

I started the car and my ear drums blew out. The music was so loud I couldn't even figure out what I was listening to.

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed and jumped as the music blasted through the car.

I went to reach for the volume and was met by Edward's hand trying to do the same thing.

Our fingers touched and I could feel sparks flood my body all the way to my core.

"Is Em deaf or what?" Edward asked while rubbing his hands over his ears.

"I would guess so. I mean who listens to music that loud? I'm telling you he was dropped on his head." I giggled as Edward nodded his head in agreement.

On the way to the mall, Edward and I had good conversation. We talked about life and school. He told me he thought I would get along with his sister Alice and would introduce us when she got back.

We walked through the mall heading towards Neiman Marcus to get the overpriced shoes. The store filled with stuck up housewives. It's like the real housewives of Seattle up in there.

I found the green goblins and bought them with Emmett's credit card.

After getting Barbie's shoes we headed to the store where I would be picking up three colors of chucks.

Hey, my brother owes me and now I'm scared for my life. I ended up buying another purple, red and grey pair.

"Nice color choice on shoes you got there." Edward said to me as the sales girl rang me up.

"I know right" I said before shooting him a big smile, which caused him to do the same.


	29. Chapter 29

**Ch. 29 Bella POV**

When I was done, Edward was sweet and grabbed my bags for me. I asked him if he was hungry and I would take him to lunch on Emmett's card.

As we walked to the food court I almost had a heart attack.

"Great don't look now but skank-a-ho is heading our way." I was so not in the mood to go to jail today and if she pushed me I'm gonna cut a bitch.

"Who is coming?"

"Fucking Lauren." Right after I said her name, Edward grabbed my hand and smiled down at me.

"Well…well…well, look what the stork dragged in. What brings you to the mall today? Are you shopping for baby clothes? And aren't you supposed to be sick?" she says snickering.

"Go fuck yourself Lauren and keep walking," I told her while shooting her a death glare.

"So Bella who is this?" she said while eye-fucking Edward. "There is no way he could be your man. You don't have that kind of luck, unless it's a pity kind of thing."

I was shocked when Edward piped in, "Yeah, uh…Lauren is it? If Bella is or, is not at work is none of your damn business and get your facts straight because I'm the baby daddy and stop fucking with my woman." With that Edward was dragging me away over to the food court.

I was so turned on after Edward told off Lauren I bypassed Cinnabon, Mrs. fields and Hot Dog on a Stick. I dragged his ass straight to the car. It turns me on when a guy goes all badass like Tommy Lee.


	30. Chapter 30

**Ch. 30 Bella POV**

We flew through the mall in a blur. Edward must have realized I was after his pork steeple and he began to sprint towards the parking structure. I swore he was going to throw me on his back like a monkey if I didn't keep up.

When we got to the car, I unlocked the doors and Edward was ripping the back door open and throwing the bags over the seat into the trunk.

He pushed me into the back seat and slammed the door behind him.

"Bella, we're doing this right? Because once my lap rocket rams your bitch wrinkle is done, there is no going back."

I nodded my head and he attacked my mouth.

Edward began running his tongue along my lips and had his hands in my hair. I let out a moan as he grabbed my leg flinging it over his lap so I could straddle him.

We never broke our kiss as he slammed me down on his large erection causing us to both moan in pleasure.

I needed friction, so I began rocking back and forth.

"That feels so good." He said while rubbing his hands up and down my thighs inching closer and closer to my wet center.

"Don't tease." I tell him while I continued to grind onto his erection and pulled his shirt over his head.

My breath caught as I raked my eyes over his hard toned chest and sexy ink. He was so mouthwatering, and I was going to burst if I didn't get off soon.


	31. Chapter 31

**Ch. 31 Bella POV**

In a flash, Edward was ripping my shirt over my head and lifting my skirt up over my ass, pulling my panties to the side.

He began kissing my neck down my chest until he got to the top of my tits and began to lick and suck at my sensitive skin. I was moaning and grabbing at his hair while I was lost in the lust of his electric touch.

I leaned back and undid Edward's belt, unbuttoning and pulling down his zipper in one swift movement. I rose up enough for him to pull his pants and boxer's far enough down for me to have full access to his throbbing cock n' balls.

He was so huge and I loved it. I couldn't wait to feel him in me, so I lifted up and lowered myself nice and slow onto his shaft.

When he entered me he let out a growl and grabbed my ass before digging his fingers into my hips meeting me with every thrust.

I could feel my climax building and I was dying for the release. I began moving at a quicker pace and Edward followed my rhythm.

He began breathing heavy, and it sounded like his release was close like mine.

"I love fucking your tight pussy." He said while smacking my ass and biting down hard on my neck.

That was all it took for me to come so hard I couldn't even make a sound. Edwards rocket went off inside me causing him to growl and squeezed my ass in a death grip...that gonna leave a mark.

We slowed our pace after we rocked out the last of our orgasms. I rested my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around my waist.


	32. Chapter 32

**Ch. 32 Bella POV**

When I pulled away he gave me a huge smile and a tight hug.

We gathered our clothes and put ourselves back together before climbing into the front seat and heading home.

I wasn't sure what just happened or what will come of it, but he was an amazing lay and he just wiped out all my cob webs. It made me extremely happy and I was surprised when he grabbed my hand and placed a sweet kiss onto my palm, before shooting me his cooked smile.

"Damn Bella, that was fucking hot. You are amazing, funny and so beautiful. I don't know how I got so lucky to meet you."

I began to blush "I'm glad I met you too."

I'm not sure I will be able to keep hime because in my experience men are like sour patch kid, first they're sour, then they're sweet, then they're gone. That's the story of my life.


	33. Chapter 33

**Ch. 33 Bella POV**

As Edward and I drive home in comfortable silence.

I'm floating on cloud nine.

I just humped and pumped god's gift to man with a king size dick that will put porn stars to shame.

That was the hottest thing that has ever happened to me in my life, this far.

"Bella…Earth to Bella. Please don't tell me I fucked you retarded? I've never dated a window licker before, but I guess there's a first for everything." He said while laughing and snapping his fingers in my face.

As I hit him in the chest with all my might I say "What the hell posses you to tell that crazy bitch that your my baby daddy?"

"OWWWWWWW...Why are you pulling a Chris Brown, what hell?" Edward whines.

Without missing a beat, i finish my rant. "Do you know how long its going to take me to do damage control? Also, Who the hell said we are dating? I don't like the label and actually I like you so I'm saving us both trouble. My dating history leads to turning men gay. Getting bit and being traumatized by a baby carrot, men are not my specialty. I always end up heart broken in the end."

As he rubs the spot on his chest where I beat him he says "You need to elaborate on that statement," he said well tuning in his seat to face me.

"Fine Rihanna, you just have to know." I say waving my hands in a dramatic gesture in front of his face. I turn to face him for a second as we sit at a stop light and I just let the words spew from my mouth.

_If this doesn't make him run, I may have just fucked my next ex-boyfriend._


	34. Chapter 34

**Ch. 34 Bella POV**

"Well welcome to the thunder dome bitch. My dating history is beyond shit." I state gently shaking my head at the horrid thoughts that are coming fast and furious. "First we have my bestie Jake, he was my first crush. We would fool around when our parents wanted adult time and would send us off to play. Well we played alright." I chuckle at the thought, "We played pop the cherry until the day he came flying out of the closet with a rainbow shoved up his ass, shittin' skittles. Later he confessed I was his test dummy saying that if a hottie like me couldn't turn him straight nothing could."

I chance a glance over at Edward and he's sitting there with that lovely little eyebrows bunched up looking like he doesn't know whether to shit or fart. So to ease his worries, I continue with a complete fuck-tard on my list of 'adventures'.

"Now let's move on to the guy I refer to as a fucking prick. I began seeing a guy named James the summer after my junior year of High School. He was cute and all but a total asshat. James thought he was hot shit with his ponytail and leather jacket." I secretly wanted to braid that shit, but we'll keep that shit in the closet. "Looking back now he was a controlling lunatic. He treated me like his property. I was young and stupid and thought that possessive meant he was into me, until the day he held me down and bit my neck leaving a huge nasty bruise. Well needless to say Emmett and his boy Demetri got a hold of him and he was never seen again. We actually saw a story about him on that show 'Disappeared' not that long ago." I say shrugging. Sad really, if you think about it.

But on to the best one of all, the baby carrot.


	35. Chapter 35

**Ch. 35 Bella POV**

"Last but not least we have Paul, a.k.a. baby carrot. He was sweet, buff, tan and easy on the eyes. Paul treated me good and we had fun together, until we started to fool around. I quickly came to the realization that a baby carrot was giving him a run for his money. I didn't mean to laugh at him, it just kinda slipped. Well needless to say after my laughing, something snapped and he lost his mind. He began leaving me hundreds of voicemails telling me off and trying to explain why his junk was fun sized. After being harassed about his cocktail wiener, one night I got drunk and forced Jake and my friend Angela to do a drive by and throw baby carrots on his front lawn screaming 'fuck you and your baby carrot'. Thank god he left me alone after that. I'm sure Emmett had something to do with it. I still see him around town now and then, even though he won't look me in the eye. He should feel lucky he didn't end up on a milk carton like James." I finally finish and all I hear after I come back to the present moment, I hear Edward's laugh coming from those sexy lips he's got.

I want to bite them.

After I finished my outburst on Bella dating history101, I had to wait for Edward to calm down his hysterics.

"Are you done? I hope you're laughing with me and not at me. I'm starting to get offended." I say giving him the bitch brow.

"I'm laughing with you schitzo, because my dating history is just as fucked up."

"Let's hear it E, spill it."


	36. Chapter 36

**Ch. 36 Edward POV**

Oh jesus, do I really want to tell her my dating history. I mean hers was really bad, but mine is worse.

Deep breath dip shit, let it go.

"Alright…well first we got Tanya the night stalker. She became whacked out of her skull the second after we banged for the first time back in high school. She started calling me a hundred times a day asking where I was, who I was with and why I was doing that. She pretty much wanted to know the ins and outs of my asshole. I had to lie and tell her I was sick, just so I could go out with Jasper to the batting cages. Somehow that crazy loon hunted me down at the cages and slashed all four of my tires. Not only that, she stabbed the knife through the heart of a teddy bear I won her at our school carnival. She left it on the hood of my car with a note that said 'lie to me again bastard and see what happens'. After that shit, I got a restraining order. She had to transfer to a continuation school." I finished round one of the face off.

I turn to look at Bella and she had a look a disbelief on her face which her jaw on the ground in the driver's seat.

Here we go for round two.


	37. Chapter 37

**Ch. 37 Edward POV**

"Jose Canseco came next. Her name was Irina and she had a thing for violence. One second we would be chill and the next she was charging me with my baseball bat. She swung at me a couple times and I had to dip, duck, and dive to dodge that shit. However, my TV didn't make it out alive. When the cops came, the bat was still sticking out of my flat screen TV. She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon as well as assaulting an officer and making lewd comments about his mother."

Yes, I know the crazy bitch needed to lay off the roids and shit.

She nods her head, not able to breath correctly from laughing and rolling her hand over for my continuation into this, 'Loves of Edward's Past' story.

"Last but not least, we have coo-coo for cocoa puffs. Her name was Kate and she reminded me of that character Drew Barrymore played in that movie Mad Love. You know when she glued all the magazine eyeballs to the walls. I found out later she had multiple personalities," shaking my head. "I don't know which one she used to reel me in but I never saw that one again. Alice was literally terrified of her. She flung holy water and burnt sage shit all over the house. My sister swore she was going to turn into the poltergeist and crab walk down the stairs. We got that one committed and she has been in a rubber room ever since."

She almost crashed Emmett's baby into a tree from laughing so hard.

She thought her shit was bad. But damn, I had the night stalker, Jose and Hannibal.

Bitches be crazy!

Ding, Ding, Ding we have a winner.

And it's me!


	38. Chapter 38

A/N: Here are a few more for you :)

**Ch. 38 Bella POV**

"The award for most fucked up relationships goes to Eddie-poo. See, you are too irresistible for your own good. You make women go mad like kitties on cat nip."

"Well Bella, maybe since we both have screwed up dating history, its only right we date each other." He said while giving me a wink.

"Ask me again at the end of the week if we haven't gone ape shit on each other." I told him while pulling into the driveway.

Edward and I grabbed the bags out of the trunk and walked into the house through the garage.  
We were met by silence and I knew nothing good could come out of that.

I gave Edward Skankalie's goblin shoes and asked him if he could run up and put them in the closet, while I took my stuff to the guest room and looked for Cujo.

When I got to the room I about shit my pants.

Balls was lying in the middle of my bed gnawing on my 'rabbit'.

You know the one from Sex and the City.

There goes two hundred bucks onto Emmett's tab.

Thank God Edward's around because the only dick I've had in months just got chewed all to hell.


	39. Chapter 39

**Ch. 39 Bella POV**

"Shit, Cujo release!" I whispered-yelled at Balls.

There is no way I was going to let Edward walk in and see this train wreck.

The vibrator is vibrating in the dogs' mouth for Christ sake and why in hell is the dog discolored.  
What is that shit all over him?

I walked closer to Balls and tried to rip the rabbit out of his mouth and see what was caked onto his fur before Edward came back.

But the beast from hell jumped up into a standing position with the vibrator still in his mouth and started growling with the shackles on his back standing straight up.

"What's the problem? Why is the dog spazing out now?" Edward asked as he came into the room.

"What the hell is vibrating in his mouth? Oh shit is that a vibrator? Damn Bella, you're a kinky girl." He says laughing and pointing at the dog.

"Whatever Edward just get it from him please, he'll bite me," I yell at him as I look between him and the beast.

"Oh…no…no…no! You're on crack if you think I am going to stick my hand in between that dog mouth and that so called chew toy with your sweet sent all over it. That dog will turn me into Swiss cheese," he's shaking his head back and forth.

"Oh my god, I smell strawberry! If that dog got into my shampoo…" I trail off as I run into the bathroom.

As soon as I reach the bathroom floor, my feet flew out from underneath me causing me to screech as I landed hard on my ass.

_I literally busted my ass._


	40. Chapter 40

**Ch. 40 Bella POV**

"Bella are you okay?" Edward yells while sprinting towards me and helping me up.

"Whoa, why does it look like the Bates motel in here?" He asks looking around the bathroom.

"Well maybe because the devil got into my suave strawberry shampoo and body wash. Which explains why his fur is all red, I mean can't you see all the bottles chewed up all over the floor?" I huff in annoyance. "Great now he is probably going to die from eating poison. Can shampoo kill dogs if they eat it?"

Not that I would care, but Emmett would have my ass if I killed his dog.

"How am I supposed to know? It looks like he is foaming at the mouth. Either those are suds or he has rabies and is about to fuck us up!" he says as he hands me his phone, "call the vet. I saw the number on that list Emmett left."

"You know this is just perfect. Emmett is going to have my ass if this dog takes a dirt nap."

Even though I hate the devil dog, I don't want to see Balls hurt.

Instead of calling the vet, I decide to dial Emmett's number instead.

_Here we go..._


	41. Chapter 41

**Ch. 41 Bella POV**

"Hey Edward, what's up?" He answers happily, even though I'm about to drop a brick on him from the top of the sears tower.

Taking a deep breath, "No Em, its Bella, not Edward."

"Why are you calling me from his phone? Did you bone neighbor boy or something? See I told you that watching Balls wouldn't be that bad. Look what you gained from it…" he keeps talking as I am quick to interrupt him.

"Emmett, shut up and listen for a minute would ya? Alright, I'm going to sum this shit up, I went to the mall to get your skank's shoes and when I came back Balls was chewing on my vibrator. Oh yeah you owe me two hundred bucks by the way. Then, I noticed he had red shit all over him and I smelled strawberries. So, I went into the bathroom to check my shampoo and sure enough it looked like a massacre took place because your lunatic dog chewed my strawberry shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles all to hell. Now he is growling, spazing out and foaming at the mouth. Should I take him to the vet?"

"WHAAAAAAAT?"


	42. Chapter 42

**Ch. 42 Bella POV**

Emmett's volume has hit an all time high.

I quickly pull it away from my ear before my ears start bleeding with the screeching he's spouting off. "Yes take him to the vet. Are you fuckin' trying to knock off my dog?" He says yelling into the phone.

"No I am not trying to kill your dog you fidiot. I wasn't even home I was getting your tricks her goblin shoes. Plus you told me to leave Balls in the house because your precious puppy gets the chills, and can't be left outside which is fucking retarded since your dog's fur is dense and thick like a damn polar bear." I yell back half out of breath.

"What did you call me? Did you say fidiot, what the hell is that?" He states sounding a little thrown off.

"Let's see, it's you! A fucking idiot put together. Yes Emmett, you know I like to throw words together. Hello, I have my very own dictionary of 'Bella-isms', you know this! Now tell me what you want me to do about the dog. I'm over talking to you. I don't even know why I even bother calling you."

"Take him to the vet, the address is on a business card on the fridge. Plus, you will need the muzzle out of the hall closet. He has to wear it when he goes in or they won't see him."

"Alright, bye" I say starting to hang up the phone but I hear Emmett come across the line again.

"Bella wait, please take care of my puppy." He says sounding sad.

"Are you crying?" I ask him chuckling.

"Shut up and eat shit," he says sniffling as he hangs up the phone.

_It's official my brothers a pussy!_


	43. Chapter 43

**Ch. 43 Bella POV**

"Wow, he just hung the fuck up in my face, what a prick." I said under my breath.

"Edward, we need to take the dog to the vet. Will you help me put the muzzle on him?"

I walked over to the closet and grabbed the muzzle, I turned around and Balls spotted the muzzle and all hell broke loose.

Cujo began running at full speed through the house like his ass was on fire.

I flung the muzzle to Edward and Snowball freaked the hell out, he began doing the downward facing dog yoga position and was snarling and showing his teeth.

When I didn't think anything could get worse he started barking.

"Shit Bella! What are we going to do? There is no way he will let us put this thing on him. He will chew us up if we get close," Edward said while running his hand through his hair.

"I don't know; call Caesar Millan the dog whisper. I'm just going to call the vet and tell them we have a wild beast holding us hostage and can't get the muzzle on."

I ended up calling the vet and telling them the whole story and luckily they didn't think he ate enough to get sick since most of it was all over his fur and the bathroom floor.

Apparently we have to keep an eye out for barfing. More than likely, he will just start sharding and then be good as new.

I asked them if they knew the place my brother took snowball to be groomed. They did and they gave me the number and I made and appointment for tomorrow. Thank god they love Balls and he doesn't need a muzzle.

I also ordered the new couches and they would be coming tomorrow.

I swear dealing with Lauren was looking better and better, until I look at the hot piece of ass standing in the kitchen making me dinner.

Edward actually cooks real food not just frozen pizza like I do.

_That is so hot. It's total housewife porn! It could only be better if he vacuumed too._


	44. Chapter 44

A/N: See you tomorrow for more :)

**Ch. 44 Bella POV**

When we finished dinner, I helped him clean the dishes and all the while could barely keep my eyes open.

I walked into the guest room and groaned throwing my hands up in the air.

I still hadn't cleaned up the mess, and I was praying to high heavens that the maid was coming tomorrow.

Since I am so going have to pay her extra to clean up this mess, I'm leaving Balls in here for the night. I don't care what he does in there. He can shit all over the walls for all I care.

I grabbed my pajamas and told Edward to grab his too since we were sleeping in the upstairs bedroom tonight. I had him usher Balls into the room and shut the door.

I changed into my pajamas in the upstairs bedroom and crawled into bed. Edward shortly walked into the room from the bathroom with PJ pants and no shirt.

He looked so yummy.

But, I would end up passing out mid-ride and that would not be okay.

Edward turned off the light and got into bed.

He pulled me back against his chest wrapping his arm around my waist and placed a kiss behind my ear before whispering, "goodnight hot ass."

I giggled and grabbed Edward's hand slipping my fingers in between his and pulling him tighter around me before saying, "goodnight stud muffin."

_Aww shit, I can actually get used to falling asleep like this. I'm so losing this battle._


	45. Chapter 45

**Ch. 45 Bella POV**

"GET THE FUCK UP BITCH!" Someone yells.

I hear Balls barking up a storm.

Snap…flash.

Snap…flash.

I hear a scream, a thud; wait a minute that's me. "Ouch!"

Bark…growl.

Bark…bark…bark.

"What the hell? Balls shut up! Oh my god, why am I blind?" I yell into nothing.

"You better step the fuck back asshole, I know karate and I will take your ass out" I hear Edward yell.

Someone is laughing.

Wait a minute.

Oh god I know that laugh anywhere. "Jake? Are you fucking lunatic mental case? This is not funny. Why am I seeing spots? What did you do to me? Thanks a lot my elbow is going to be bruised from falling out of bed." My raspy voice bouts out.

"Bella, please tell me you don't know this roided out douche bag?" Edward said with a snarl.

"Oh, hell no! You did not go there with the name calling honey. Your ass may be good enough to eat, but I will not hesitate to cut a bitch." Jake shot back at Edward.

As I got up off the floor I couldn't help but start to laugh.

I was still tired and this was too much commotion for me to handle.


	46. Chapter 46

**Ch. 46 Bella POV**

"Edward its okay, this is Jake. My bestie and my roommate. Remember I told you about him?" I ask looking at Edward waiting for the prior day's events to kick in.

"You better not be talking shit about me mighty B. I have some stories about you that will put us all to shame. You better watch yourself." Jake said while plopping down on the bed petting the beast of a dog.

Finally, Edward's face takes a turn as in recognition. "Oh yeah. Hey man sorry about that." Edward told Jake. "I uh...um didn't picture you looking the way you do, but it's good to meet you."

Jake had a shit eating grin come over his face and I began to laugh. All the while, knowing something crazy was going to come out of Jakes mouth.

"Oh you mean my six-foot-five inches of perfection with golden brown rustic skin and built body that makes men and women want to smack there grandma as I walk by? Yeah, that would be me. It's my pleasure to meet you too Eddie." Jake said while holding up his camera and snapping a picture of Edward.

_You have got to be kidding me right now!_


	47. Chapter 47

A/N: Hello Everyone, I'm so sorry this is taking so long to be posted but it is complete and RL is so crazy I don't have a lot of time to post. The rest of the story is on its way!

**Ch. 47 Bella POV**

"That's what blinded me! It was the flash on your stupid camera that caused me to think I was dying and heading into the light." I say to Jake while I rub my eyes hoping to see again.

Edward was bent over grabbing a shirt out of his duffel bag after being assaulted by the flash of paparazzi Jake, when the camera snapped one more picture of Edward bent over ass up.

Edward shot up in a snap, "Dude I really hope you didn't just take a picture of my ass, that's not cool."

"Will you two lighten up? First off 'Mighty B' you know I am a picture whore and as far as the booty shot of you Eddie that's your fault. I have no control when it comes to a hot piece of man meat face down ass up." Jake said with a wink.

"Whatever, I'm taking a shower" Edward said as he stormed off into the bathroom with duffel bag in hand.

"Spill it doll face, how did that fine piece of man end up in your bed? Why hasn't your bitch-ass called me or text me a picture of that eye candy? I am truly offended. If it wasn't for Mikey needing a spa day I would never have come over to be graced with the presence of Zeus, that man is a God amongst men."

"First before I answer you. How did you even get in the house?"

_He probably used some backwoods ninja moves from the Rez._

A/N: If you don't know the cartoon Mighty B please go to YouTube and search it. Without knowing about the cartoon you wouldn't realize Jake is hardcore making fun of Bella.


	48. Chapter 48

**Ch. 48 Bella POV**

"Heidi the maid let me in. I flashed my pearly whites and threw her down a twenty and she let me right in. You might wan to check her out, I could have run up in this joint and smothered you with a pillow."

"Nice one fruitcake. Anyways, Edward is Em's neighbor. I met him when that devil beast your petting knocked me on my ass the first day I got here and ran into his yard. I haven't gotten around to informing you of his hot ass yet because I have been too busy banging him the back seat of Emmett's tank and trying to keep from being mauled by Cujo."

"You slut-bag you already hit that. I am so proud of you right now I could cry." Just as Jake finished his comment Edward walked out of the bathroom.

I gave Edward an apologizing look and he gave me my favorite smile. Jake can be a real handful, he has no filter on his mouth and could give a rat's ass what anyone thinks. I hope Edward doesn't take him personally.

"So are you guy's car buddies now or what?" Jake asked while looking at Edward.

"If I knew what a car buddy was I could answer you." Edward said while running his hands threw his hair causing it to look wild, sexy and freshly fucked.


	49. Chapter 49

**Ch. 49 Bella POV**

"Well since you and 'Might B' got busy in the backseat of a car like _Rizzo_ and _Kenickie_ bed buddies doesn't seem fitting." Jake said while falling back on the bed laughing which caused the dog to jump down.

"Edward, don't even answer him. Fruit stripe you are such a fuck-tard, remind me why I tell you things again?"

"Because I am the peas to your carrots, the macaroni to your cheese, the peanut butter to your jelly, the best to your friend and you love me."

I couldn't help but crack up, I love Jake. He is the funniest person I have ever met in my life so staying irritated at him was near impossible.

I finally got Jake to behave and calm the hell down so I could leave him alone with Edward long enough to take a shower. Jake was going to come with Edward and I to the groomers so the dog would be gunk free when Emmett gets home.

I showered in a rush scared of what damage Jake could be doing right now being left alone with Edward. I really like him and don't want him scared off before I can get at least one more roll in the hay out of him. I threw on my tight fitting dark denim jeans, a purple strapless top with a black cardigan over and a pair of sandals since it wasn't raining. I pulled my hair back into a low ponytail and applied light make up and flew down the stairs.

When I got into the living room I noticed two couches with plastic wrap on them and had totally forgotten that the couches were being delivered today.

"Hey guys where are you?" I called out to Jake and Edward.

"Kitchen," as I got closer I could hear laughing.

"Hey fudge pop!" Edward said with a lick of his lips before he buckled over in laughter.


	50. Chapter 50

**Ch. 50 Bella POV**

Jake almost fell out if his chair laughing and started gagging on his toast. "Eat shit the both of you. Why would you tell him that name you freaking short bus riding window licker?" I screamed at Jake which caused them both to laugh harder.

"Calm down Bella, Jake just told me to call you that too see your reaction, but now I'm dying to know what caused that outburst."

"Fuck off, I'm taking that shit to the grave. Now let's go and I'm not touching that mongrel he'll rip my face off." I said while grabbing my purse and the keys to Emmett's tank before stomping out the garage door.

The guys came out shortly with Snowball walking right next to Jakes side. Edward climbed into the passenger seat and planted a quick kiss on my cheek and grabbed my hand bringing to his lips, while Jake got into the back seat with the dog.

"I'm sorry if I upset you" Edward said while placing another kiss to my hand.

"Yeah well I'm sorry that I have to sit on seats full of your liquid DNA. Did you at lease Lysol this shit down?" Jake piped in while making a disgusted face that I could see in the rear view mirror.

I gave Edward a smile and told Jake to shove it as I backed out of the driveway and headed to the groomers.


	51. Chapter 51

**Ch. 51 Bella POV**

When we got to the groomers the girl at the front desk knew balls and began petting and kissing the dogs ass. She noticed his fur and shook her head and said "awe you poor puppy, some people just don't know how to take care of you." I almost bitch slapped her. But Edward placed his hand in mine and I calmed down. It wasn't my fault the dog is a dick and ate my shampoo and body wash then must have rolled in it causing his fluff ball fur to turn into a ratted mess.

We ended up going out to lunch and came back two hours later when they said balls would be ready. Lunch went really well and we all had a blast talking and laughing. I was really glad that Edward and Jake are getting along. I still don't know what is up with me and Edward but at least if it does work out he will get along with my best friend and he already is friends with my brother so thing are looking good if we go there.

We walk into he groomers and take a seat and wait for Cujo to come out of hiding. The bitch at the desk informs me that they had to take a little bit more fur off then they had anticipated but the fur would grow back on no time.

I didn't know what that meant until I heard Jake say, "well look at Simba," and start to sing.

_Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh_

_Wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh_

_Wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh_

_Wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh_

_Wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh_

_In the jungle, the mighty jungle_

_The lion sleeps tonight_

_In the jungle, the quiet jungle_

_The lion sleeps tonight_

I hear hysterics coming from Edward and I snap my head around to see the dog and about shit my pants at what I am seeing.

Snap...flash...snap...flash


	52. Chapter 52

**Ch. 52 Bella POV**

"Stop taking pictures butt munch" I yell at Jake and turn towards the skank. "The dog looks like a god damn lion, why in the hell did you do this to the dog?" I screeched at the groomer.

"We had to give him the lion cut. His fur was too matted and tangled so we thought it was best to start fresh." The stupid trick said while handing me over the leash. Thankfully Edward quickly took it from me.

"Oh wow Emmett is going to put your ass in a body bag once he sees this picture of Simba the lion king I just sent him." Jake said while clutching his side in laughter.

"YOU DID WHAT?" but before I could get a response my cell was going off and I just knew who it was.

"Jake, when we get back to Emmett's I want you to take your ass back to whatever rock you crawled out from under and fucking stay there, because for the first time you have pissed me off beyond belief. You don't even know any of the shit I have gone through with this mangy mutt or my white jacket wearing pound puppy loving brother. So for you to throw me under the bus and send his pictures of Simba I am so over you."

During the ride home it was silent except for the ringing of all three of our cell phones blowing up from Emmett stalking us, just like I told Jake to do. He got out of Emmett's car and right into his banana yellow convertible bug. Edward and I just looked at each other shook our heads and walked into the house. Of course when we got into the house the phone was already ringing and then answering machine picked up.

"BELLA PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE. WHY DOES MY DOG LOOK LIKE COWARDLY LION"


	53. Chapter 53

**Ch. 53 Bella POV**

I don't know why, but I decided to pick up the phone and put him on speaker so Edward could hear.

"What Emmett? I'm not in the mood for your mouth." I say snarling.

"Oh, really…well this is just great Bella. I don't think Balls is in the mood to be a little punk at the dog park. I mean we have a reputation to uphold."

"I'm not even going to entertain this stupid conversation. These are the facts. Your groomer did this to the mutt not me. You act like I took clippers to Benji and buzzed off the fur myself. They obviously think dogs need to look like the king of the jungle. It must be all the rage in the dog community these days."

"Bella, why are you not caring? This is a big deal. I bet Balls is very upset and hiding right now." He says sadly.

"Actually you fucking warped bitch, the dog is currently smelling and licking his own ass. If the dog is anything like you, he is probably too stupid to realize all his fur was shaved off. I'm over you. Don't bother calling me back because I won't answer."

I was about to hang up in Emmett's face when Edward stuck his hand out for the phone.


	54. Chapter 54

**Ch. 54 Bella POV**

"Hey Emmett this is Edward. You need to back the hell off Bella. You have the nerve to blame her for all this shit?" He shakes his head. "Let me break it down for you. First off, I was minding my own business when I look out the window and see you're wacked and cracked out dog knocking Bella on her ass that first day. Then, Bella and Balls have a fucking standoff in Alice's yard like a bank robber and the po-po's. And then the fucker wouldn't let Bella get him back into the house. There is more…" he trails off thinking.

"Oh yeah, he ate her lucky chuck and tore the shit out of the couches causing it to look like a fucking winter wonderland. It seriously looked the couch pooped foam all over the place. Balls still wanted to chew I guess, because that's when he got a hold of your Barbie's green goblin ugly as sin shoes and fucked those up. Bella being the nice person she is, we had to go to the mall and buy her new shit. And another thing, __." He rushed out in a quick voice.

He takes a deep breath before continuing to chew Emmett a new asshole.


	55. Chapter 55

**Ch. 55 Bella POV**

"When we came home from that lovely outing we found Balls had gnawed all of Bella's shower shit causing his obese fur coat to be covered in her strawberry shampoo. So that's when we had to watch him like a hawk making sure he didn't shard all over the house. We then had to take his ass to the cleaners. It's not our fault your lovely ladies there make him look like Simba. So if you want to blame anyone for the gay haircut, blame the whack ass groomer you probably found on craigslist. Good things do not come from craigslist, hence Balls. Oh, and I more thing tell Rose to do her fucking job. You must not be getting laid because your being an asshat." The slamming of a phone brings me out of my Edward on a rampage stupor.

Edward had me so turned on after sticking up for me with his aggressive attitude towards Emmett  
I swore I needed a kiddie pool at my feet from being so dripping wet.

"Tha..." Edward cut me off before I could finish thanking him for sticking up for me.

He stuck his finger to my lips and I had to resist sucking on that damn thing.

"Come here Bella." Edward said while walking towards the living room.

I wasn't quite sure what he was up to, but the look of aggression and lust was filling his features.  
As I got closer to him, he spun on his heels and grabbed my hips slamming my body into his causing me to gasp in surprise.


	56. Chapter 56

**Ch. 56 Bella POV**

"Edw..." He cut me off again, but this time it was with his mouth.

Running his tongue sensually along my lips before I opened up my mouth and allowed him access.

_Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!_

Edward ran his hand up my back stopping when he grabbed a fist full of my hair pulling my head back to get full access of my neck.

While running his tongue up and down my neck and collar bone, Edward slipped off my cardigan and threw it to the floor.

I followed Edwards move and yanked his shirt right over his head. Leaving him standing in front of me with his sexy abs.

My panties are begging me to be washed on those abs.

Edward was becoming more and more aggressive as he sucked and bit at my neck. He began to unbuttoned my jeans and yanked them down along with my underwear, all in one swoop. When my pants got far enough down, I kicked them the rest of the way off before grabbing a hold of my own shirt and ripping it over my head.

That caused Edward to lose contact with my neck which only made him growl and spin me around pushing me forward to where my forearms where flat on the couch with my feet planted on the floor with my ass in the air.

I heard Edward let out a groan before smacking my ass and telling me, "Hold on tight and trust what I'm about to do, love."


	57. Chapter 57

**Ch. 57 Bella POV**

I had no idea what the hell Edward was talking about until he ran his hands up my inner thighs causing my legs to spread and my juices to flow down my legs.

_Clean up on isle three._

I heard Edward unbuckle his belt and he pulled down his zipper.

Once I had my legs fully gaped open, Edward placed his body flesh to mine with his hard erection right at the entrance to my wet pussy. I started to moan and push myself back onto his dick when all of a sudden Edward grabbed a tight hold of my hips and lifted my legs up off the ground maneuvering me to where I now had both my leg on either side of Edwards waist in midair, only being supported by his hands on my hips and my forearms.

"Oh my god Edward, what are you doing?" I said right before he slammed his rock hard magic stick into my drenched pussy.

"Oh, holy fucking shit!" I screamed as the first thrust hit directly on my g-spot.

"I'm going to making you scream." Edward said as he lifted me a little higher and continued to thrust into me like his life depended on it.

I was holding on for dear life to the plastic covered couches as Edward continued to pound into me over again from behind.

"I'm gonna cum…oh my god… I'm gonna cum…" I chanted to him in between my whimpers of pleasure.

"You like me fucking you like this Bella? You want it harder don't you? He began thrusting harder.

"Uh…yeah…fuck baby." Edward grunted as he picked up his speed.

"Oh holy shit balls…fuck…" I screamed as I bucked and thrashed my body back into Edward like an epileptic in a strobe light factory.

"Uh, yeah Bella. Give it to me baby." Edward grunted out while filling me with his baby batter.

"Oh my sweet Jesus, I need bleach for my corneas." We heard someone shout from behind us.


	58. Chapter 58

**Ch. 58 Bella POV**

****You have got to be kidding me right now.

The queens decided to walk into the house at the perfect fucking time.

Can't people knock?

Edward set my legs down and I stood up with his body blocking mine from staring eyeballs. Thankfully we had our backs to the princess and his crown, or they really would have been complaining about their damn corneas.

"Mmm…Jake, that picture you took of this fine man did not do him justice. I need a fan to cool myself off."

"I thought I told your ass to crawl back under a rock bitch." I said in a pissed off screech.

"Who is that?" Edward whispered into my ear.

"Oh, who are the two fruit loops staring at your ass right now? Well let me see, that would be Jake and Mikey Mike. Those two assholes are going to fucking leave this room right now so we can get dressed or take there fucking asses home." I screamed at the two intruders who ruined my high from the best orgasm I have ever had in my entire life.

They are so going to die.

"Calm down honey, your landing strip and fun bags do nothing for me. Jake has seen it all before. Now, we may want a glance and Eddie but other than that, take a chill pill and we will go out to the car and get the goodies we brought you." Mike said way to cheery voice.

"Hey Eddie…" Jake piped in before taking his ass out the door. "How many girls have you tried to turn into super-woman before you perfected that screaming you got out of Bella?"

"What are you babbling about super-woman you lunatic? Just shut your dick hole and get the hell out!" I was pissed and you could hear it in my voice.

"It's the name of the position." Edward said in a low whisper.

I heard the front door slam.

_The gay pride parade has left the building._


	59. Chapter 59

**Ch. 59 Bella POV  
**

I turned around and placed a kiss on Edward's lips as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I'm so sorry Edward, I really enjoyed that." I told him with a smile.

"I did too, and don't be sorry. Just promise we can do that again." He said while placing one more kiss on my lips before turning to find our clothes.

"Bella, um yeah, I'm pretty sure Balls is totally running down the street right now. You might want to get your ass out here." Mike said in a panicked voice.

"What! Well go after him Mike, I'm getting dressed"

I was pulling on my underwear and looked up to see Edward already dressed and heading out the front door.

I quickly threw on my clothes and flip flops and followed him outside.

I could hear Mike flailing down the street freaking out about something.

I started to jog and catch up.

"Oh god, I am not in my running clothes. If I knew I would be sweating, I would have worn my track suit instead of my cashmere sweater and khakis." Mike said while prancing down the street then continues yelling, "Balls come out, come out, wherever you are."

I had to stop mid jog and buckle over in laughter. Jake must have heard me because he stopped walking and turned to look at me.

"Where is Edward?" I asked as I wiped the tears out of my eyes from laughing so hard at Mikes attempt to call the dog.

"'He ran up ahead of us. Is that boy is athlete or something? He can run like the wind." Mike said while locking our arms together as we walked down the street. "Spill it girlfriend, are you and that wonderful eye candy and item?"

_Do I want to be an item? With Edward, maybe._


	60. Chapter 60

**Ch. 60 Bella POV  
**

"No, we are nothing but friends who bone. I mean, I think we are friends?" I said silently asking myself the same question. "He hasn't said anything to me. I mean he calls me love and baby, but all guys do that when they want a piece of ass."

"Mighty B, you need to lay that shit on the line and tell him, look here Eddie boy, you best not be sticking your mushroom tip in any other ho and flying her ass around the room like super girl because that shit is a no go with me." He said certainly. "There are too many disease infested skanks around here." Jake said with a snap.

"Mmmhmm…preach on baby, preach on." Mike told Jake while nodding his head in agreement.

"Fine, whatever. I'll ask him what he wants out of this. But first we need to find that damn dog."  
Just then, Edward came flying back down the street towards us, god he was sexy.

"Hey, good news, I found Balls. Bad news, he is getting his freak on with the poodle down the street. The owner is pissed and about to pop an artery. She called the cops or the pound saying something about a leash law. Apparently her dog is fertile Mertyl and a purebred. Her dog is being tainted by your brothers' flea bag dogs unworthy sperm."

"What?" Mike, Jake and I said at the same time.

"Great this is all I need right now." I said while following Edward to where the new commotion was brewing.


	61. Chapter 61

**Ch. 61 Bella POV  
**

All I wanted to do was get to know Edward more. You know more physically and personally, and talk to him about where we might stand once this dog nightmare was over. But, of course not. Now I have to deal with dog sex and another cretin who has no life outside the local Petco.

Edward gave me a smile and took my hand as the four of us walked up to Balls who looked like a lion humping the shit out of a black and white standard poodle that resembled a cow.

Well isn't this a sight for sore eyes, a lion fucking a cow.

Snap...flash.

Snap...flash.

Right after Jake snapped his photos, a woman with fire crotch red hair shot us a death glare and then pointed at me.  
"Are you responsible for this mutt?" She screamed at me with her hands on her hips.

"Yes, currently at the moment while my stupid brother is out of town. I'm sorry he got out." I said trying to sound apologetic.

"Well you're going to jail." She said while scowling at me.

_Calm the fuck down, puppies need to get laid too!_****


End file.
